12 Whole Foods products that are as bad as Asparagus Water

The ridiculous, the even more ridiculous and the overpriced. Do we get a public apology for each of these, too?

  1. This $6 box of corn flakes

Veganic Sprouted


2. These jars of various nut butters, which cost $13, $17, $14, $12 and $27 (!!!), respectively




3. The bougiest coconut water on planet earth 



This brand advertises itself as “the chicest coconut water on the market” in case your life is so goddamn privileged and easy that you have enough fucks to give about your coconut water being chic enough.

The bottle is this small (my hands are really tiny so the picture doesn’t even do justice to how little coconut water you get) and costs $3.69

4. This $5.99 carton of CACTUS WATER that is trying desperately to make fetch happen


Bless their hearts for trying, but I’m pretty sure coconut water is still “the thing” and once it’s done being a thing, cactus water isn’t going to be what takes its place. In terms of flavor, consistency and nutrition, it’s reminiscent of backwash.

5. This 16oz bag of trail mix for $10. Note that this is 365, Whole Foods’ “bargain brand”


Because this is what happens when Whole Foods tries to do “bargain brand”

6. 2.2oz of dried peas and 1.6oz of dried corn, each for $7


Because why get a pound of organic frozen peas and corn for a dollar each when you could do this instead?

7. This $8 contraption that most people easily DIY for under a dollar with a mason jar and some cheesecloth


8. This $9 jar of jam


9. This (blurry- sorry) assortment of everything Dr. Oz ever mentioned as “possibly helping with weight loss”, each selling for about a bazillion dollars per four-ounce bag


 10. This small jar of honey, casually going for $40


I don’t care if the bees that made this were blessed by Obi-Wan Kenobi, Beyonce and the Flying Spaghetti Monster; when I worked for Whole Foods, $40 was my food budget for the whole week.

11. Some rocks, dirt and leaves in a jar for $15 


In case you have $15 laying around and reeeeeally just don’t want to give it to a good cause

12. And the piece de resistance: These produce-scented candles (that come in radish, kale and cilantro scents) for…wait for it…TWENTY. DOLLARS. EACH.



Spoiler alert: they smelled like nothing.


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